I have written before about my personal struggle with control. Control over Wolf with respect to his past, present, and future situations has been a way to secure, in my mind, anyway, his behavior and hopefully prevent any disasters. We all know that hasn't happened. But the mind is a crazy part of the body, and still I kept at it with a dilligence only those who have similar personalities, or children, could understand.
When Wolf moved down to CHYC, the burden of 24-7 supervision was suddenly and delightfully lifted from my body, mind, and soul with a sense of freedom I am sure compares only to the lifting of a thousand bricks from one's back. But a mother is not released from her child so easily, and after a full year had passed, Wolf's behaviors had evolved, and questions had risen about his diagnosis, appropriateness, and future, a new kind of thinking appeared.
I wrote about the "Triple Think Threat" last winter; my ability to create Plan A, B, and if need be, C, to be ready for just about anything (I'd be a wonder on a disaster planning team, fyi). Now, as Wolf is learning how to avert his own behavioral downfalls, I, too, am figuring out how to simply let some things be. Yes, just Be.
This involves confronting my worst fears and feelings about Wolf head-on and eyes wide-open with no plan, no contingency, no nothing. Learning to ask "What if?" with all the things that may come with it. And then simply letting it go.
Sometimes one must sit still in order to prepare to move forward.